Twilight fans are insane

Allow me to preface this story with a confession: I can be a bit of a snob. A jackass, if you will. When it comes to literature, I like to think I know my stuff -and to some extent, I believe that I do. I at least know enough to recognize good writing from bad. I have the ability to pick out themes and symbols and I can write some damn sharp commentary on how certain parts of a book relate to other things that might not even be in the book. I'm a creative writing major, for crying out loud. I know a little bit about writing.

So when I, from an informed viewpoint, say that Twilight sucks...I'm going to agree with myself. It does. If you want a detailed list of reasons, go to my review and read it (or e-mail me and I can send you an even longer, more expletive-filled list; I didn't feel I needed to get overly vitriolic in my already scathing review).

However, I will admit that I'm kind of a dick sometimes. I like pushing people's buttons, especially regarding Twilight. It's just funny to watch/read people getting all hot and bothered about a series of books that I don't like, because their defenses for the book are uniformly lame, unintelligent or illogical. And so it's a win-win situation for me: I get to piss someone off a bit, know that I'm right (at least in my mind) and get a belly laugh out of the whole thing. I've joined a few Twilight fan sites for that express purpose -that and promoting my review (the primary objective, of course).

There's one in particular that proved to be pretty fruitful, for about 3 days. I posted my link in a few relevant places, had some decent discussions and then kind of forgot all about it. I'm not so into hating Twilight that I make it a hobby. It's more of a spur-of-the-moment trolling. A drive by troll, if you will. I haven't actively promoted my Twilight review anywhere in about a month, and on the site this story concerns in over 2 months.

So imagine my surprise when, a mere 2 days ago before I went to see Inglourious Basterds (which I recommend you see, by the way, just because it's awesome) I get an e-mail telling me that someone named Rosalie Hale (one of the Twilight characters' names, for those of you fortunate enough not to have read the series) commented on my profile page. I have a Blackberry (I'm spoiled), so the e-mail came to my phone and my laptop. I don't do a lot of website stuff on my Blackberry unless I'm AFK, so I popped over to my laptop and signed into the website to check out this comment, which I was hoping would be filled with rage about the audacity of my review.

It was certainly filled with rage. And poor spelling, no sense whatsoever and a threat!

Clearly, I thought to myself, clearly this is an important comment.

I read it a few times, deciphering things like "wen" (when), "won" (won't) and there (their) before I was finally able to understand that Rosalie Hale is tired of Twilight haters coming onto the fan site and talking about not liking Twilight -and apparently she had taken it upon herself to track down each and every one of them to inform them that there are anti-Twilight websites they could get on so why not go there? This poorly spelled ramble was finished up with the following sentiment: "I would have my friend use the internet to track them down so I could kick there [sic] !@^$!$$^%^&*#!#%@ ass." I'm not sure what swear word that was supposed to be, but I would really like to find out. I'm sure it's devastating.

So, just to recap: this is a website that I used for 3 days, tops. I posted in 4 threads and all in all commented approximately 20 times, then left. After over 2 months, Rosalie Hale decides I'm a nuisance and should have my !@^$!$$^%^&*#!#%@ing ass kicked.

I returned her comment by asking what her comment was in reference to and why she thought threatening me would get her anything. I received a flood of comments, most of which were the word I, and which sent my phone into a vibrating frenzy, since each comment = 1 email to my phone. There were around 17 of these strange comments before she said anything else of relevance to my question, replying that she's tired of "u stupid haters" getting on to bug fans about how stupid Twilight is.

Well, I thought. Well, well, well. Here we go.

I returned her comment again, entering snotty mode. Basically I said that Twilight haters have every right to be on a fan site expressing themselves, and that fan sites are nothing but a gigantic circle-jerk for people who like Twilight anyway (I actually did use the phrase circle-jerk), so she could pretty much just quit telling me not to talk, since I hadn't said anything to her personally and she got on and told me to shut up when I hadn't even been active.

This story, by the way, is relevant only in that I like how irrational people get about stuff like Twilight. It's amusing to me. I am aware that not all fans of Twilight are insane teenagers who like to threaten people they don't even know over a series of books, but it's surprising how many are. And how many of them manage to find me (online, not in real life. Otherwise I'd be keeping a tally of how many little girls I'd gotten locked up for assault and/or battery).

Onward we go!

After remarking that Twilight fan sites are open to non-fans as well and she had no place attempting to curtail my free speech, she replied by telling me that the only reason "haters are on this site is because 1. they are total jerks and like to bother ppl or 2. they have nothing better to do with their lifes or 3. they havent read the books and are already judgeing it [sic] [sic] [sic] [sic] and [sic]." I'm sure I missed a few [sic]s in there, but we'll live. So you see what I was dealing with?

Not only does she not understand that I'm using her website solely to promote my review (and be a jerk) but she can't even argue with a semblance of intelligence, good grammar or logic. My reply was essentially that yes, I'm a jerk. But I've also read the books, know enough about them to argue with any fan and can do so intelligently and with better grammar. I told her (again) that I was inactive on the site and therefore still did not understand her apparently overwhelming desire to do me physical harm.

I received the reply that "this is a fan site there r sites for haaters [sic] [sic]." etc. and "just because someone says the books sucks doesn't mean it dose [so much sic]."

What?

So I laid out a few reasons that the books suck, reminded her that I'm not an active user, don't define myself as a hater (I don't participate in the so-called "war" that rages betwixt those who worship the ground Stephanie Meyer walks on and those who hate the books. I just hate the books all by myself -I don't need people to commiserate with) and never did anything to her to provoke this unjustified attack, and if I had, I'd have done so with impeccable grammar and spelling.

I was told that I have serious mental problems and need to check myself into a hospital.

"Look, Rosalie. I'm a perfectly normal person (okay, so that's a bit of a lie), but I'm not the one who has issues here. You threatened me for no reason, used poor grammar to do so and can't even come up with a reason why other than that the haters on the site bother you. I'm not one of them, so what's the deal?" This is not an exact quote, but that's the gist of what I told her.

I find out that she has "anger problems" and her mom taught her "never to take shit from ppl [sic]" and she's sick of haters getting onto random threads and talking about how bad Twilight is because there are hater sites for people to "bicth" about hating the books, etc. etc.

I replied without using all caps, which impressed me, because at that point I became aware that this was the sort of person on whom caps lock would have made an impression. Still calm, laughing quietly to myself over the clatter of my keyboard, I replied that she never took any shit from me to begin with. She attacked me, completely unprovoked by anything I had done or said, and all I wanted to know was why.

Her reply? "Why do u think they made anti sites? [sic]"

This person, this "Rosalie Hale," is off the charts batshit insane. The best kind of person to converse with, bar none.

I replied that I had no idea, probably because they could. Anti-Twilight sites, I told her, are as much circle-jerks for people who don't like Twilight as fan sites are for those who do. I have no need to sit around and agree with a bunch of people online about not liking a series of books. That's even more pointless than, oh, say, threatening someone who never said a damn thing to or about you because there is a difference of opinion.

I think I finally got through with that comment, because she backtracked, saying only that she is sick of the fighting and people arguing all the time.

So your solution, I asked her, was to threaten me? That's how you thought to defuse the Twilight debates? By threatening to kick the ass of an inactive site member? Bullshit.

She fled, leaving me with a comment that I imagine would have been sobbed if spoken. "I'm so tired of this. I'm giving my sister my account. Rose out."

Yes. That all just happened.

Take a few deep breaths. This was a long one. I won't inflict much more on you, readers, but just let all of this sink in. That was the logic of a Twilight fan -the logic of the many who comment on my review.

"First," they must think, "I'll try to intimidate you into shutting up about my beloved books, then I'll attempt to out-logic you using circular or flawed reasoning"- (we didn't even discuss the books all that much), "then I'll act like a pitiable little puppy and run away feeling like a victim."

Her sister commented on my profile shortly after Rosalie deleted all relevant comments and asked what the deal was. I told her that Rosalie had first tried to scare me and failed, then tried to argue with me, and lost. It happens a lot.

Any takers? I'm spoiling for a fight.